2010 - Pain in my back after subjugation to my father

You are welcome to read this post translated in Slovenian language.

After I allowed my father to force me in writing my 'public apology' exactly as he dictated, since he imposed his believe that I 'hurt his feelings', I woke with the pain in the center of my back the next day. I went to check and read the Veno's Structural Resonance document on the back points and saw that the center and lower back and the buttock points are about giving your 'power' or 'life energy' away to the 'mind-consciousness system'.

When I wrote the public apology I considered this act as 'becoming one and equal' with the 'mind-consciousness system' of my father and 'avoiding compromising' myself by short-term indulging the inability of my father to act from the common sense. I did not consider that by doing this I would suffer any consequences, since he agreed that my statement would not be in fact the act of self-honesty but lying and that this would be the last lye that he would demand from me.

However I understand the pain in my back as the consequence of in fact giving my power to the mind-consciousness system and allowing myself to have power over me, since I see no other events that would be able to cause my pain. So I am correcting myself in order to take my life energy back from the mind-consciousness system in order to remove the pain:

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by my father, using his anger and threats of suing me with the lawyer and removing me from his will and not paying me the money for the work that I done for his clients for the price that we both agree upon, since by allowing this I am not allowing my father not to take responsibility for his feelings and emotions.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by anyone that is not willing to take responsibility for the feelings and emotions that they create for themselves, since every energetic movement is the responsibility of the person who is experiencing it and only they have the power to defuse it by applying self-forgiveness.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to give my life energy away to other people and suffering their emotional projection and abuse in order to get the money.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by mind-consciousness system and thus compromising myself as life, fearing of what other people might do to me and thus allowing energy to be more than life, instead of standing up unconditionally as life in total self-honesty and self-expression and for principles of oneness end equality.

I am not allowing to be intimidated, blackmailed and pushed by anyone anymore, not even my father, and I will stand firmly and face all attempts of using emotional energy, physical force or legal tools in order for them to suck life force out of me and fuel their mind-consciousness systems with energy of feelings and emotions.
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2010 - Consequences of mentioning my father in my blogs

You are welcome to read this post translated to Slovenian language.

While creating my blogs and vlogs in the Desteni process of self-realization in order to bringing all of my subconscious mind patterns here by writing and transcending them with process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I have also mentioned my father several times as the main influencer in my life. We are writing blogs and shooting vlogs and publishing them publicly from several reasons:

1. The first reason is to make possible for others to read our posts and support and direct us as one and equal in order to successfully defuse the mind-consciousness system that distract our attentions from what is here by constant production of thoughts and consequently emotions and feeling.
   
   
2. The second reason is to support others by showing publicly how to becoming the living example of self-honesty and self-directive principle as one and equal with life and do what is best for all in order to end all the abuse in this world once and for all.

While writing the mind patterns, we describe past events, participating people, and their and our own actions, emotions, feelings and secret thoughts, to become aware of every single point that we have participated in. The description of other people actions and emotional reactions is not about blaming them and pointing fingers, but solely to describe the full picture of all events. We know that we are all responsible for our emotional reactions, since they are all based on beliefs, moral principles, opinions and definitions that we have allowed, accepted and become ourselves. The process is about self-purification, since we have the power only to change ourselves and we have no power to change others. Thus if we want to do something in order to make this world the better place, we can do this only by changing ourselves first and then inviting others to change themselves by being our own example.

We take care not to use personal names, since the process is not about pointing fingers and blaming others, but taking self-responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. However we still need to use some word to describe others in order to picture our relations and the intensity of influence, so we use words like 'father', 'mother', 'brother', 'sister', 'best friend', 'girlfriend' etc. in order to keep the maximum level of anonymity and still securing the understanding of the relationships. Total anonymity can never be achieved since everyone who we describe in our blogs and vlogs can be recognised by themselves or by others who know them. So some might react to the description of how we experience their behaviour.

One of them was my father, who did not like how I described my past experiences with him. He does not care about my process and does not follow my blogs and vlogs, however, others who know him have reported him the blogs and vlogs who describe him and expressed deep concern about my actions. Since my father is a quite well known public figure, and has experienced my posts about him as harmful and damaging, he insisted me to remove the blogs and vlogs that describe him, not to use the word 'father' any more and to write public apology in order to avoid the consequences of my actions. I have removed the word 'father' end  certain blogs and post from the public and this is my self-forgiveness in order to make peace with him:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my father's desire to be presented in only nice and acceptable way, since he needs to keep the certain public image in order to be successful in his business.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate with the decision to secure myself additional source of income instead of pushing only my latest counselling services to the level of getting in quite deep debt.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create division between me and my father since I judged his emotional reactions instead of accepting and directing him as one and equal with me.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from my parents unconditional support just because I am their child, instead of accepting them as one and equal and being grateful for everything that they have offered me.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved only by money, working just to get money and stopping the movement when I had enough money, instead of moving myself constantly breath by breath as life and direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely to my parents to save me whenever I would be in the financial trouble, and thus allowing myself to get into debt and feeling safe by expecting that they would help me also this time as they have done so many times before.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept everyone as one and equal to myself and trying to present myself as someone more intelligent and more perfect and thus criticising them, their lives and their jobs, instead of focusing on myself and clearing my emotional reactions.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can help others without helping myself first, since I can not direct others as one and equal to myself effectively until I remove all my energetic movements.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the energy and to be moved only by energy instead of realising that as long as I allow to be moved by thought, feelings and emotions, I am a robot, a zombie, separate from the life and abusing life for my self-gratification, instead of becoming one with the physical and be here in every moment of evey breath, free from all the past.

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2010 - Business and group relationships getting better

In the past few days I did not make any blog and vlog since I have been busy with some projects. The most prominent point is related to Desteni Slovenia forum. With the launch of the forum, the effective platform for joined collaboration has been created, and I strongly encouraged all Desteni Slovenia members to completely move any conversation in regards to Desteni Slovenia activities to the forum, since most of discussions so far went through FaceBook messaging. I wrote some topics in order to explain that it is important to work together as a group, and that this would be possible only if everyone of us writes any idea regarding the Desteni Slovenia development to the forum and then wait for other members to give their perspective about the subject, in order to develop the solution that is best for all.

Since some Desteni Slovenia members took some Desteni Slovenia group related actions on their own, I wrote some guideline suggestions what would be the best practice for collaboration in order to bring the best and most effective results regarding the world-wide goals of the Desteni. Some Desteni Slovenia members took inactive to start translating the Desteni texts. Many are eager about promoting the Equal Money System in our country. From my perspective investing the time basically to promote Equal Money System should not be the primary focus, since I see the translation of the Desteni FAQ texts and Desteni Video Series more primary steps in order to introduce Desteni solutions to the public most effectively. However, since some have already decided to go with the Equal Money System FAQ translation, I considered it to be important to firstly agree what Slovenian words would be the best to use for the most common words of Desteni Language, in order for translations to be unified. So I started and pushed the discussion on Desteni Slovenia forum in order to vote for the best Desteni Language words translations and now the democratically elected words are publicly available via the Google Docs spreadsheet Slovar Desteni besednjaka.

I am glad, that we have started to work together more effectively, and that some people that I have been in conflict with, were able to apply self-corrective application in order to defuse their emotional triggers in regards to me. And I have also pushed myself to be more self-directive to what is best for all in regards to Desteni Slovenia group development. Since I am very skilled in the computer related solutions, I have made some initiatives and suggestions in order to bring all group members together in joined and as much effective collaboration as possible. The Desteni Slovenia Goggle account has been created in order to bring most from the use of Google group collaboration applications, and we also created the Desteni Slovenia YouTube channel that will host the translated or subtitled Desteni videos. Some have also expressed the want to start typing blogs and shooting vlogs in Slovenian language and there was a discussion what would be the best approach regarding this. I suggested for everybody to create separate YouTube channels and blogs, since Desteni web site is automatically linking and feeding the blog posts and vlogs of the active Desteni members to Desteni Community web page. And since the selected Desteni language is english and viewers are from all over the words, I concluded that it would be best to host Slovenian blog posts and vlogs in separate blogs and channels in order to avoid feeding the content in Slovenian language to the viewers who do not understand Slovenian and can thus not able to have any use of it. This is why I created my Slovenian blog and my Slovenian YouTube channel and it is up to other to follow my example or not.

In regards to my business, the improvements are quite fast. Firstly one of my best friends, who is my close neighbor and is similar age, came with a proposal to buy the photographic equipment for himself that I will be able to rent any time, after he heard that I decided to restart my photography services and I sold all my photo equipment two years ago. So few days ago we went to the photo store and we extensively tested several models and brands in order to buy the best camera and accessories with the money currently available. It was a tuff decision since there were two very similar models form different top brands. We decided to go with the second brand even though I used the first brand as a professional photographer for many years before. The SLR digital camera that we bought has many functions and also ability to shoot Full HD movies, and we needed to learn how it operates. So we went together yesterday for a trip in order to study and test all the functions. Since my friend did not have a knowledge about photography, I explained him the basics of photography and then we went deep to study the function of every single button on the camera body, since there were quite lot of them. I became very enthusiastic about the selected camera brand and the model, since the feel and handling of the camera is much more smooth and soft as the previous brand models which I have been working with so far. After a field trip, we made a couple of hours break and then continued to study at my apartment in the evening. And even after the evening study, there were still many functions left to figure out, especially in regards to shooting movies and creative lighting. So we will meet again in the following days in order to  become masters of handling the new equipment.

The other of my best friends, who has been living in the same building as me, alone with his divorced mother, in the third floor, moved to the flat in the ground floor, right next to my apartment, since some old lady moved away recently. He is not so good fried, since he smokes, drinks, listens to loud house and trance music and makes slander about other people. He did a lot of drugs in past years and turned mad, so he is officially declared as not able to work and is on the psychiatric drug treatment now. He is not working and is living on the social and his mother's support, who is a medical doctor and earns a lot of money. His mother also took the credit to by him this small apartment, so he is a very lucky guy, considering his actions. He invited me and the other friend to come for a visit to look at his new place. Soon after we came, he started to enthusiastically explain about how he watched some porn movie and recognized some female actor. That actor was to be a girl who is a psychologist with a degree from our capital city and who we also meet and talked in person. She smokes pot occasionally, drives an expensive sport car and is also working as a fashion model. So my friend was totally sure that it was her in the porn movie, and that now it is clear why she was able to afford such expensive car, since she probably got a lot of money from starring in that porn movie.

The starting point of my friend telling us this story was to join him at his laughter and feelings of envy, anger and disgust, while describing her as a top whore, who was the dominant character in the movie and took the all effort to fuck the male actors by herself. But while listening to his story, I directed myself to stay here, not to go in my mind, not creating pictures of how she fucked the guys, not defined her actions and herself as something less that me and thus not producing negative energetic feelings. I simply remained still and waited for my friend to finish talking. He and my friends were very surprised about me not joining them at laughing. So I explained that criticizing others is in fact not accepting others as one and equal to yourself, and that inequality is the cause of all the suffering in this world. I told my friend that his reactions are unacceptable, and that he should rather start correcting his behavior patterns, since there will be no place in the future for the people who decide to continue with any abusive attitude towards others. He replied that there is no way that he is going to change. And I said fine and that he should then not expect me to enjoin his company as long as he is sticking to that decision.

On the general, I have noticed that I have become much more stable, have less daily energetic movements and thus also the skin condition improved noticeably. I guess this is also due to practicing self-forgiveness verbally out loud at the moment when I experience any emotional reaction. Of course I am not able to stop and defuse them all at the moment of appearance, but I am pushing myself to face them as much as possible, especially when I am alone in the apartment and thus do not attract unnecessary attention of other people. However I have noticed that I was not able to get up from the bed so easily as I would expected, after making by vlog Self-forgiveness in the bed in regards to over-sleeping, and this has to be due to increased stress in the past few days. But I expect to regain my latest gained sleeping pattern of not sleeping more that five hours per day soon.
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2010 - Facing point in regards to reading posts of others

I have noticed, that when I watch vlogs, and especially when I read blogs, I am having trouble to properly absorb the information that is presented. I have decided to follow blogs and vlogs of certain Desteni members, and firstly when I noticed that they are using several different publishing platforms, I have become a bit desperate, since I imagined that I would need to create different accounts, log in, and check for the new feeds regularly. Then I discovered fantastic Google Reader application to which I was able to add all different platform blogs and also YouTube channel URL's, so now I get the notification in form of small Google Reader Notifier Extension icon on the Google Chrome web browser interface, and I am able to open any new feed with just two simple clicks. This is so awesome cool, that I recommend to everybody.

The starting point of reading blogs and watching blogs is to 'get more realization' about the Desteni process, to learn how 'writing yourself to freedom' is done properly, how the support in form of comments is to be done effectively, and in order for me to add my own support. What I have noticed thereby is, that I am not able to properly participate within this actions. So let me go step by step, in order to expose all the points of resistance of my secret mind.

In the moment when I notice the Google Reader new feed notification, I became curious about what and by whom has been created and published. I click on the icon and I see two lines for every single new feed that shows the title of the subject and the name of the blog or the channel. At this point I am already able to see if the feed is about YouTube video or some blog text. By the title, I am able to see what video or blog is about, and by the blog or channel name, I am able to identify who is the author. Of course this is true only for the blogs and channels that have the first and last names of the authors included in the blog or channel URL's, so I do not know from whom is the blog, named like 'Making the better world', unless I have already associated and remembered the name of the author of the blog. So my first reaction here is WTF do people not use their true names in the YouTube channel names and blog main titles, and are forcing me to check the blog profile details in order to see who is the author.

Then, based on the type and quantity of the feed, I decide which one and when I will watch. The type of the feed is related to the sort of attention needed in order to absorb the information. For instance, blogs need much more attention, since I have to be steady and use my eyes in order to focus my sight on the screen and read the text. And since the most of the vlogs include audio, I can simply listen to them and do not need to use my eyes, thus using ears is sufficient enough. So considering how I feel at the moment of receiving the feeds, I decide how many and witch blogs and vlogs I am going to process at that moment. I usually save the videos to be watched later, when I prepare or have the meal, wash the dishes or iron the laundry. I organize all the things to do in the way to use the available time as effective as possible. Reading blogs need my full attention and I can do nothing parallel to reading. However while listening to vlogs, I can focus my sight and make use of my hands also to some other task and thus split the time if I would do each task one after another.

Before or after processing the feed, I make a note on my Google Documents Spreadsheet which I use to record all my major Desteni related tasks. I record the date, author/channel name, blog/vlog title and URL for the each feed I process. I started to build this database for self-defense after some new Desteni members have been accusing me to be a faker and perceived me as not walking the process at all. This has been before I have started actively participating in the Desteni open forum and doing my own blogs and vlogs. For the past half of year, the only sign of my progress could be visible through the 'SRA Jan 01' private forum, so others could not see the extent of my participation. I needed to present some practical evidence in order others to see the level of my devotion to Desteni, accept me as one of their own and stop being spiteful towards me. So whenever someone came with any doubt, I would simply forward him the link to my records in order to shut its mouth. And this was in deed very effective. I have watched many Desteni videos and articles but did not made any comments in order for others to see what I have processed so far. But then I have started to post the comments and now also started with my own blogs and vlogs, so my record has lost the primary defense function. However I have found it useful also for myself in order to easily check if I have already process certain link in order to avoid duplicate processing. And I am also able to easily find and forward any useful link to others in order to support them. Thus I am continuing with recording of my activities in order to increase effectiveness of support and self-support.

The process of making a record involves copying and pasting as many information as possible in order to speed up the process. In the firs column of the spreadsheet I copy current date from the cells above. In the following column I copy and paste the names of the YouTube channels, video names and URL's, since they are short and meaningful enough, and but when inserting the blogs identifier information, the process is much more painful. I want to keep the vlog name short in order to have the whole span of the cell columns on my notebook screen at once. Since the blog names are very long, and do usually even do not contain the name of the author, I have decided to manually enter full names. End some blogs have also certain layout that prevents me to copy and paste the blog post title alone. In attempt to select only the blog post title, the body of the post gets selected together with the title. Thus I can not simply paste the blog post title in the spreadsheet cell, and need to make intermediate step. This includes opening the notepad application, pasting the copied text, selecting and copying only the blog post title and finally pasting it into the spreadsheet cell. So this is why I go here WTF do people not use their names i the blog URL, blog title or at least in the blog author profile, and why do they use the blog type that prevents simple selecting of the blog post title.

When watching the vlogs who have low sound volume, I go WTF did creator not make enough effort in order to provide sufficient audio quality. So if I decide to watch vlogs while hand-washing the dishes, I have to make a special selection of those, who are loud enough, since quite high level of audio noise is produced by the process of washing dishes, LOL. And when reading blogs a go WTF has the author selected the layout with such long lines and small text, or WTF has he selected the platform like Multiply, where I get distracted from the text by fucking annoying animated sidebar advertisements. And when making a blog comment, I go WTF did programmers not come out with the better spam prevention mechanism than the fucking-hard-to-read captcha text that I need to enter every single time when I want to make a comment!

But this are just the small point. Watch out, here comes the big ones. When I finally start to read the blog, the fucking thoughts come up and disturb by attention from reading. They go like why do you read this instead of doing something that is much more fun? And when I proceed, they go like how long is this text, will it take a lot to reach the end? So my eyes go to the slider in order to see how long is the slider button, compared with the hight of the slider bar, or I even click and pull the slider all the way down in order to really check how many lines of text is there in total. If the line count is up to 4 screen hight long, I go ok, well make it. But when the blog post is over this limit, I go WTF did the author decided to torture me with such massive volume of the information. When I tell myself that reading the blogs is beneficial and crucial for my self-support, I proceed with reading the text.

Then when I start reading, I have to focus very intensely in order to grasp what is being said. The first problem is english not being my native tongue, so I struggle much more with understanding text in English than in Slovenian language. It is like word are there, like graphical symbols and I have to pull myself into certain state of acceptance on openness in order to grasp the meaning of words. Lately I feel myself dissociated with the words I read. I see the words, I read the word, I understand the meaning of the words, but they do not penetrate inside me, they stay there, separated from myself. I run away from facing the words, wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else. Like reading blogs is interesting from certain kind of perspective, but it also somehow mandatary in order to walk the process effectively. I need to prove to others that I participate, that I am involved, that I am worth of acceptance and unconditional love. So I see this as a sort of punishment, I sort of hell that I need to go through in order to be worth of living. And in fact this hell is my own creation, and I need now to face what I have accepted and allowed, and it is not very amusing. But I know there is no other way, so I continue to push myself, even if it is hard.

When I read several lines of the blog text, a fear comes up that I would not be able to remember all the points. I am decided to leave the comment on every blog post that I read, basically from the reason to give author the feedback that I have read the post. I leave at least the small comment like "Thanks for sharing", and foremost I want author to know, that I have actually read every single line of the blog post. Some might make a comment and live a comment as formal note of support without reading the post in total. But I want to be a brave nice guy and do my best, and to comment just the posts that I have actually read. This is why the fear comes up if I would be able to understand everything what has been written and to write a valid and supportive comment. This fear then takes my attention away from reading. I read a few lines and I forgot what has been written in previous lines. So I return and read again, and again until the words and sentences become clear, penetrate inside me and become one with me. Then only am I able to make a valid comment at the end and get the satisfaction of the good done job.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good in regards to having Google Reader Notifier extension installed since I have compared myself to others and imagined that others do not use this extension but some other, less effective way of following blogs and vlogs, and have thus defined myself as more effective, more important, instead of realizing that the process that I am doing is facing myself in order to clear all the comparisons with anyone and become equal to everyone and support each other equally.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when doing self-forgiveness since I imagine how others will read this post and see me as effective in the process of self realization and define me as something more as themselves, instead of realizing that every single inequality is the cause of suffering in this world, that no one can exist as more as anybody else, and if I want to be supported, I need to support others as equal to myself.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define the process of writing myself to freedom as a certain goal that is to be achieved and then having good feelings of glory after fulfilling this goal, instead of realizing that the process is about birthing myself from the physical, releasing the past and anchoring myself in this moment, and to start living for the first time, so the process is not something to achieve, but to live it in every single breath of this moment without ever ending it.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when noticing that not all blogs can be easily identified by the author, since it is I who have created this wish in order to link the blog post to the name of the author. There is no need for me to know who the author is, since the blogs are created by people as their own self-support and not for my amusement.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when some information can not be easily selected, copied and pasted and demanding perfection and alignment of reality with my expectations, instead of realizing that no one is perfect, the programmers are the same as me, and I am also not perfect and do mistakes, and it is I who need to release any expectations and demands of how the reality must be, and align myself with and accept reality the way it is in every moment of every breath.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to separating myself from the text I read since I have defined the process of reading as the punishment for myself, instead of realizing that the act of reading is the consequence of me directing myself in order to stop the separation, created when participating in my mind, and is the necessary step in order to become one with the physical, since I have realized that I can no longer exist in the mind and as the mind.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the need to defend myself from others, since there is nothing to defend if I stand as life as one and equal to everyone. If anyone has defined me not as life as one and equal to himself, and thus created separation, it is his responsibility to release the illusional definitions and there is nothing that I need to do but to support others in facing their own self-accepted and allowed illusions.

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2010 - The starting point of my blogs and vlogs

Based on some recent comments, I am now going to dig deeper into what is my starting point of doing blogs and vlogs at this moment.

I have exposed already that I have become used that knowledge and information is what is important on this world in order to succeed and be accepted by others. This is the most prominent general programming that I have received from my parents, educational system and overall media. In the past, there have been many moments where I felt very good about my ability to articulate my verbal expression to the extent that some people were amazed. Like in politics for example, people use uncommon vocabulary simply with awareness that if others are not understanding clearly the meaning of all words that they use, they would be considered as smart and more important than others. I have become used to express myself cerebral to the extent that it has become a part of my default expression. I have found strange to see that some people are not able to understand what I am saying and I have attributed this to their poor vocabulary, since they supposedly did not read as many books as me.

My life has been very much turning around knowledge and information and my approach has been mostly thought logical, analytical and intellectual mind. I have been aligning my movement as the individual system within the collective system, based on the information feedback. So I was not actually moving myself based on some deep realization, and lived basically in my mind. Since Desteni process is about stooping down from the mind into the physical, it is quite hard and challenging process. My initial approach showed my attempts of analyzing the Desteni knowledge, integrating it into my mind and sharing it through my mind. This has resulted in mimicking others, copying words and trying to be like others. I tried to fit in, but fitting into Desteni by using the mind is not very successful. So I am now pushing myself forward with intent to release the mind and to become one with the physical.

Some have suggested me to align my blogs and vlogs with the starting point to support the Desteni Income Plan. I understand this suggestions like I am suppose to emphasize the information about the Income Plan, Introduction To Desteni Course, Structural Resonance Alignment Training and Equal Money System. So, to share the message more extensively and underline their benefits for the individuals as for the world society. I could do that simply by integrating more information into my blogs and vlogs, but I feel like I would be dishonest at this moment. Like so many times before, I have tried to present myself as something more, using certain information or becoming a part of some group. I was in deed seeking for some answers about what is the meaning of life, however I have acted at all this occasions basically from my mind, fanatically shared just the knowledge and information and thus produced the opposite effect. I have learned my lesson and I am not going to make the same mistakes again.

So I am not going to try anymore to use my blogs and vlogs or the Desteni in order make myself important in the eyes of others. I am going to stabilize my feeling and emotions first, and then share the message, tools and the solutions of Desteni. I understand that it is in vein to share something that has not yet become a part of you as the physical. So I am at this moment not trying to 'advertise' everything about Desteni, but only the points that have become a part of my personal realization. I will use my blogs and vlogs in order to share my current self, without attempt to present myself as something that I am actually not. I understand that I have many points to face and release, so that is my primary goal at this moment. I feel too much separated from what Desteni stand for in totality, so I do not want to represent something that has not yet become a part of me, as the living word of who I am.

I would very much like to help others and bring the solutions to this world, but I can not help others if I do not help myself first. We all perceive others through the filter of our personality, so how is one able to support others, if one can not see clearly the root cause of the problems. Helping others has in fact become a common way of running away from facing ourselves. All the pre-conditioned programming that we have accepted, allowed and become need to be released first in order to become qualified for supporting other at the process of self-realization. I understand that there are many problems in this world currently: starvation and wars, and these are the reasons to hurry. But in order to bring the proper solution that would remove the root cause of this problems, one needs to walk slow and collaborate with others in order to bring the best solution that would stand the test of time. There have been many revolutions, many people who have moved masses of people, but they all failed. They were unable to see the whole picture, since they have not yet gained the full understanding of who they are as selves in the first place. So let us now learn from others, from the history, and walk slow and together, in order to not make the same mistake again.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself for wanting to help others, instead of first helping myself and then helping others, since I can only help others to the extent of my personal realization.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry, since if I move fast, I am not able to face all the points that need my attention in order to be effective in making this world a better place.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to work alone in order to feel special, for other people to perceive me as the one with the best solutions, instead of realizing that we are all interconnected, we all contribute to this reality equally, and that we need all to work together as equals in order to bring the heaven on earth.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive life as a road which has a start and the end and has a limited length, so I need to hurry and do as much things as possible, to live as fully as possible, caring just for self-gratification, instead of realizing that time is just a projection of the mind, and that what actually exist is only this present moment. Thus to live means to be fully present with your full awareness here in every moment of every breath and not allowing any thoughts, feelings and emotions to distract me from living here.

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2010 - Birthing myself from the physical

In regards to my Desteni process, I have noticed that I experience some resistance in some ways while reading and watching blogs and vlogs of others, and sharing myself by writing and making movies.

Like when I write, I take a lot of care of my blogs and vlogs to have a certain structural and visual design in order to impress other people. While I write I am very much aware of possibility or the fact, that others will watch my sharing and that they will judge it. Since I have this fear of what will others think of me, I do not allow to open myself up fully, and I limit my self-honesty to the point of not revealing too much of what I am ashamed and embarrassed about. I try to pick certain words and structure it into sentences, so they would feel as much poetic and artistic in the readers mind. I try to impress people with the kind of irony or humor, in order to invoke good feelings when others process what I have written. This is all a part of my self-defense mechanism. And the same goes for the visual design of my blogs and vlogs. I try to do my best, to be perfectionistic and to excel in everything I do. I them check what I have written carefully and make sure not to leave any typing mistakes.

When I look at my finished blogs and vlogs, I feel proud about them, I admire them, and feel good about my creation and also feel good about how other people will be impressed and think I am the best and will define me as something more. This starting point of sharing in order to impress others then also results in the fear of other people's opinion, expressed in the comments. When I receive a notification that someone posted a comment to my blog or vlog, I get intensively scared in the moment of noticing the notification. In my secret mind I imagine how someone out there might have made some criticism on my posts and expressed any kind of rejection of any part of what I have shared. I want others to accept me as a perfect being and not to point at any mistakes I have. I do not want to admit that there is anything wrong with myself. However the physical is telling me, that there is a lot of shit in there that needs to be faced with. And I do not want to admit that, I do not want to dig into my secret thoughts, since I would have to define myself as not perfect, and I would feel bad about that. I fear that by facing and exposing myself I will loose the support of other people and all the benefits that I experience currently.

The whole point boils down to wanting to be perfect in the eyes of others, which as I wrote about several times before, is the consequence of allowing to accept and become the emotional projections, copied mostly from some close relative. I have become addicted to other peoples opinion and emotional energy. I am used not to move unless there is some energetic impulse from some person outside me. Everything I do is based on the expressed desires of others. So my expression in not self-expression, but involves the detailed analysis of other minds and aligning my expression in order to invoke the best possible feelings in them. I see this as a huge point when I look at my some close relative. The way how he creates himself is to remember the moments when others reacted to his actions with great admiration, so he moves in that direction than and intensifies his approach in order to get even more energy of adoration from others. A total idolatry-energy vampire and blood-sucker. And I have become very much like him.

This is why I can not move myself effectively to what is best for all. I wait for someone to point at something that I must do. I respond to every single request of my some close relative and my clients in order to bring me glory and money. And when I am done with the job, I become lazy. I rest, do what I find enjoyable and find it very hard to do something that I do not expect immediate result from, meaning to become better in the eyes of others. I live in my nice apartment, separated from the rest of the world and do not give a fuck about others. Everything I do is based on my self-interest. And this is really total bull-shit. How the hell have I become like that?! And all this could never be exposed properly if I haven't met Desteni and wasn't introduced to the tools of self-honesty and self-forgiveness. And of course I could get lost in my self-deception over and over again if there I would not have support of other people who brutally expose any kind of mind-fuck.

I need to get rid of all my energy determinism and start moving myself to what is best for all. And it's fucking hard since I experience huge resistance and feel myself as very heavy and drained. I am awake, but still not fully present, not the active participant, just an observer in kind of half-sleep, dreaming all day long. I watch huge amount of vlogs and blogs of other Desteni members, but I do allow myself to go deep enough. There are some occasions where something resonates with me, so I write a few sentences, and I try to give the best support to everyone. But most of the time, I feel a great separation. I do not allow myself to stop and read or watch with my full awareness, but experience a big unrest inside, I want to be somewhere else, experiencing something good, so I'm in a very great hurry to go to some place, there in the future, to the garden of eden, where I would experience myself blissfully until the end of the time. But this is all just a mind-fuck. There is no future, is is only now, this present moment, and I need to face everything that is here with my full self and do what is best for all.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself as energy and thus need the energy of others in order to move myself, instead of moving myself as life as what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I do blogs and vlogs, since the reason of doing this has to be to face myself and not to impress others.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to point fingers to others and compare them to myself and define me as better and more than them, instead of properly supporting everybody in the process as one and equal to me.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to emotionally react to other people's support and comments, judging their way of expression and protecting my self-interest, instead of going deeper into their feedbacks, understanding what are they exposing, and realigning my points to equality.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to change, since I am not aligned with the life and if I want to live, I need to become one with life and support all life as equal to myself.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as separate from life and just observe it, pretending that I am not responsible for my actions and thus producing abuse, instead of taking full responsibility for every single creation in all the past from the beginning of my existence.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear others, since others are the part of me, a part of everything that exists, so I need to take into consideration of how others perceive me and take this as a very crucial support and opportunity to change myself, since I can not see and correct my mistakes due the extent of self-deception.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to yawn, since yawning is the indicator of mind shutting down an restoring itself, instead of stopping, remaining here, breathing and getting some new realization.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself the pleasant energies of warm and soft bed to have power over me and hold me in the bed for extensive period of time after I wake up, instead of directing myself as life, as more than the energy of warm or cold, and getting out of the bed immediately.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become obsessed with watching almost all of new Desteni members blogs and vlogs and feeling good about how others will admire the quantity of processed material, instead of realizing that I need to support myself first and then only give attention to others in regards to the remaining time available.
    
    
11. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good and defining myself as better than others since I am involved in the process of self-forgiveness, instead of realizing that the point of the process is not to become greater than other, but to become equal to others as life. Only mind and consciousness can become greater than, and no one can be more and less than life, since life is in fact the existence itself.

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2010 - Fear in regards to working as self-employed

In the past several years I have enjoyed working alone, in my pretty large new apartment, where I spend most of my day, sometimes all my day. Since my line of work is computer related, I can receive orders via mail, do the job and send my work back without need to leave my cozy apartment. I remember to never needed to advertise much, since I had just a few clients who were ordering regularly to do designs, pre-press. Then, when I started with photography I also had some clients who I became exclusive photographer for. I never really experienced a lack of work, and I simply enjoyed living and doing fun stuff. When the order would come, I would immediately activate myself, do the work, send it to the client, write the invoice and waited for the payment. And it all went well, I had enough of money and had I feeling like I am almost not working at all. Like the money would came by itself and I would not really have to participate a lot in order to get it.

But in the recent year, when I switched exclusively to counseling and therapeutic services, the math does not work out anymore. I invested all my money, time and energy, but no result. So I in a way feel quite frustrated, as the life is sipping out of my hands and whatever I do, all is in vein. And funny about that, that I even did not experienced any fear, like I was totally in the state of inner peace, not allowing my large bank account debt to invoke any emotions of fear. The cozy environment of my apartment gave me the impression of safety, and the computer with internet took care for the entertainment all day long. I did some moves, but they were very slow, with the peace of mind and expectations that money would soon start flowing, as it did in the recent past. But someone messed with this movie scenario, and the story did not have a happy ending. It was a great embarrassment when the bank for the first time in my life blocked my credit card, and then even more unpleasant when they started to threaten me with forwarding my case to enforced recovery. I needed to fall low, very low in order to start waking up from some kind of hypnotic state, the dream of hopes for the better future.

Now, I am beginning to experience the fear. It has nested itself in the belly area and it has became quite nasty, almost painful. It does not want to go away and it is telling me something. It is telling me, that I have become lazy, not willing to move, not wanting to do what I do not like to do, just because of the money. I wanted to do what I enjoyed, but there was not enough money in it. So I have to start doing again what I have already experienced as unpleasant before, just because of the hopes, that I would get enough money again. Well, the sole act of creating visual communications, designing and taking photos is in fact very enjoyable, but there are always many painful points included as the part of the package, so I might just take it or leave it.

For example when I work behind the computer, I have no problem with sitting down for hours without standing up even once. I get so absorbed in the work, that the perception of time totally disappears. And that is not very good, since the physical body does not move enough and then there is pain produced, at least on my butt. The pain is also involved in photography, since the professional camera and the top quality lenses sum into great weight, so the shoulders, back and the feet start to hurt in time. Fortunately my eyes never hurt, even when I work all day, staring at the computer screen, and my eyesight does not get worse every year. I am a bit short-sighted though, but I attribute this to the emotional distress. I have read once the very thick book, named Relearning to see, which explains that the bad eyesight is caused solely by eye muscle tension. It is proven that through hypnotic regression into the time of the childhood, when the person had a perfect eyesight, even the old person with very thick glasses is able to see clearly. All what is needed is to relax the eye muscles, witch can be achieved by utilizing the series of exercises, described in the book.

Besides the pain issues, then there is the money issue. The most unpleasant job that I have to do, is to set the price on my work. The first dilemma is which model of price calculation to select in the first place. Intellectual and art creation business is so intangible. For instance, the creation of logo. Will you be charging for the sum of hours, spent on the project, or will you set the fixed price on the logo design service? If you charge per hour, what steps of creative process will you measure the time for? Will you time the thinking, will you charge for research, sketches, or just for the time of drawing the final product using computer? But this way the simple logos will be more cheap and the complex logos will cost more. So by going for the more complex design, your decision is responsible for the highest price of the logo. And if you decide for the flat rate of the logo design, some client may be very demanding, resulting in many hours of work, preparing several drafts, and others may be satisfied very quickly. So for some, the price may be right, for some to low, and for some to high.

The biggest point regarding the price is the competition. Some clients look just for the price, others do not care much, but just want the job to be done in time. There is the fear of not being selected among the all other designers there, and there are quite a few. I need to fight for the job, show them that I am able to fulfill their needs the best. I don't see myself as a the greatest designer, but I can do the job very quick and I am reliable person. I know many graphic companies who are able to deliver, but the management and stuff is very difficult to communicate with. Since I am quite a nice person to get bye, the people like to work with me much better that with those who are stubborn and have high temper. Like my brother for instance. But they all have enough work, since either have very low prices, high quality, and there is quite a large demand for the graphic products these days. What counts the most is the reliability, so to deliver the goods as agreed, within the deadline and agreed-upon price.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think and fear about how the interaction with other people in the future might result in, instead of breathing, remaining here and waking each point breath by breath as one and equal with other people, to what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge and to fear of being judged by the people, based on my past experiences, since every person is unique, all people change in the time, so instead of expecting others to repeat behavior from the past, I should rather clear all my thoughts and allow them to express themselves without any expectations.

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